An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

‘Oh my God,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening’?

‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, ‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.’

‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’

‘You can’t go there,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.’

‘Maybe so, says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that!’

On my way into the office this morning I stopped by my local coffee/muffin shop for my extra hot, double shot skinny latte (don’t laugh…that’s what I ask for!) and the guy behind the jump (the owner I think) was doing his usual ‘way too happy for that hour of the morning’ chatty thing. I’d noticed a few other mornings that he was particularly interested in talking to me, but brushed it off. (I’m like twice his age I’m sure and although he’s not bad looking he certainly isn’t my type - sleazy!)

Anyway…he starts chatting about the weather and how cold it is and I laugh politely when he says ‘that it happens in Winter’ and he laughs too. And then it happens. A booger…boogie…bit of snot…what ever you choose to call it…flies out and attaches itself to the end of his nose!

OMG! Now I’m doing my best not to laugh hysterically and I know that I’ve already screwed up my nose and grimaced twice. But, he continues to chat while I wait for my latte; wishing today I’d gone for their generally ‘warm’ coffee which is made in a flash and I’d have been on my way! Instead I stand there trying my best not to stare at that boogie and make idle chit chat.

Then the clincher…he leans over the counter, booger big and green stuck firmly on the very tip of his nose and whispers “would you have a coffee with ME sometime”? Oh fuck…oh fuck…I thought I would vomit! I took one last look at that snot nosed face and replied “Thanks but I dont drink coffee”…grabbed that latte from the counter and was outta there. Shouting back…”have a great day”!

Looks like I’ll be finding a new coffee shop for that extra hot, double shot - hot chocolate!